I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Randomize
