I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Randomize
