i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
