I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
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