This is the prime rib incident all over again
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize
