sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Randomize
