It's what's on the inside that counts(972): They probably have big open vaginas so the inside is no good
dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
