There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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