So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Randomize
