Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Randomize
