what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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