The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Randomize
