There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
