no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
