i'm signing you up for texting rehab
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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