And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
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