Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
