Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
