I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
