his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
