I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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