I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
babies were throwing up all over the place
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
