Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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