I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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