Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Randomize
