I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
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