those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
