I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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