the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
