Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Randomize
