I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Randomize
