Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Four minutes until I can fart!
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
