How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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