Swine flu. Run for my life!
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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