My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
