I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Also, beer. Big fan.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Randomize
