I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
