last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
you mean i was at the winter classic?
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Randomize