My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
