mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
