I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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