these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
