pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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