Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
