I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I fill condoms, not promises.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
