never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize
