matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
"women exchanges sex for chips" on msnbc
damn even the hoes are getting hit by this economy
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
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