I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
