that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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