You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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