Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
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