I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
You are a genius and a whore.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
