watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
