the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Randomize
