she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
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