grandma shit on top of the toilet
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
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